To (not) be a (single) person.

Whew... OK. Before we begin, here's something you should know.

Disclaimer

The following post will contain existential topics referring to identity, plurality and personhood, along with potentially mature concepts discussed. If these topics make you uncomfortable, the direction this blog is likely to take might drive you away.

Please proceed with caution.

Still here? Well... this is gonna take a bit of explaining.

An egg

Active typer: Orchid

We were not always aware we were like this, even when the signal was right in front of us. If you had been told to describe what you saw of us 10 years ago, you would likely be presumed accurate if you said "That's just a wee lad with some anxiety issues!". Despite outside appereances, though, the signs were really evident, and the only reason we never realized is because we had no way to word it.

In the trans community, a seemingly cisgender (identity matches assigned gender at birth) person that shows heavy signs of being transgender (identity differs from assigned gender at birth) is sometimes referred to as an "egg."

Under that context, several dreams in which I dressed as Princess Peach and one where I was literally hiding in an egg hoping to get mixed up with a girl and being happy at not being able to be read as my assigned gender should have rung a lot of bells. Only two problems. I did not know what being trans was, and between several aspects that caused us trauma, the part that told us "NO! BAD! NO THINK THIS!" was acting overtime. Funnily enough, all of this was my feelings up to when I logged out, so to speak. And then, the realization began...

First crack

Active typer: Talia

Take this all with a grain of salt, because it's hard to talk about topics back when we did not realize our plurality since our perspectives were still trying to act as one before we realized that was not going to work.

So by this point, it's the middle of the COVID pandemic, and things are starting to go faster and faster somehow on my life and my family's too. We have online school, so minus one (very stressful) event, the only thing holding our studies back was our undiagnosed ADHD. Note: that was quite a lot!

At this point, one of the things holding our life together was YouTube, and while we won't mention names for the sake of privacy, this is the point in our life where we were maide aware of the existence of trans people and the challenges they face to be themselves. It happened quite fast actually.

It began with a look in the mirror and the things we liked to see in it, then a couple of thoughts, then the beginning of the question one day in the bathroom... it was quite the short, if bumpy, travel. Then one night, we were just laying down. Let's say I was, for the sake of clarity.

After having tried out they/them on a videogame for a while, I slowly started to feel out my thoughts. It took some internal momentum to get going, but eventually I started saying things. "He/him". A detached thought. "They/them". Something stirring, but not much of anything. And then... "She/her". And oh boy, was that the no turning back point ever. The instant euphoria I felt drove me to tears, and it was clear as day that I was no man at all. Meaningfully enough, this realization also came around the time I became of age, so make of that what you will.

Little did I know, that was not the end of that exploration path.

Multi-yolked

Active typer: Rosalina

We did emerge once quite before the present day, I believe. It was, however, a messy affair, as we were far from getting HRT back in that day, and didn't even have ADHD or anxiety medication. This resulted in the old system, me and Orchid being the survivors, seemingly collapsing back into one person for a while.

The thought of being more than one person inhabiting a body must be scary, even downright eldricht, to some individuals, now that we think about it. If one was to take the very basic stuff of science, it would seem illogical to have multiple conscious beings existing within the confines of a single thinking organism. And yet, here we are, literally, to prove them wrong. Through our rediscovery of plurality, we've become far happier and more focused than we ever were before. (By the way, if you are confused, check out the About page for more information.)

The facts are not simple, but they are not complex either. However, we have not been very studious as of late, which means there are gaps in our knowledge that need covering. As such, we have a very basic conjecture of the nature of our existence. In our specific scenario, we are basically parts of a whole that have drifted so far apart from the original concept that they have developed their own ideas, likes and identities, without completely straying from the guidelines of the old host. Therefore, we have different ideas and thoughts, but some aspects of our behaviour are common among ourselves.

An important aspect of this setup of mind would be the fact that, at least within safe spaces, there is a lot of room to experiment with identity in this scenario. While people that do not have plurality as a characteristic (sometimes referred to as singlets) are also free to experiment to their heart's content, if they allow themselves the chance, plural systems bring a new form of freedom to the table by allowing normally opposite concepts to analyze and study each other, and coexist without being cause of a confusing paradox.

And within these aspects, lies a question not many ask in a consistent manner:

What does it mean to be a person, and is that something that one must find desirable?

Note: This is the point where things start veering into more existential and potentially triggering areas. For context, ask yourself if the words "empty spaces" mean anything to you, and if not, feel free to look up the concept.

  • If you find this idea upsetting, it might not be advised to continue reading.
  • If this already has a meaning for you, and a positive one at that, you might be able to skip a bit ahead.

To be or not to be

Current typer: S-Rank

As society as we know it dictates, all people have rights and responsibilities to their name. Yet, it seems some of those rights are constantly subverted by the nature of that very society. While dignity and fairness is theoretically something that is not negotiable for jobs, at the time of writing, one can easily see that neither of those conditions is met on the daily by several world scale businesses in the name of increased profit, leaving us with exceedingly demanding responsibilities to attend to just to keep our lives going.

While there are several political statements to be made regarding these events and the nature of the parties responsible for them, there is something else that needs to be focused on: The way this unfairness works, it is expected of every human being to conform to an idealized standard of productivity, living and aesthetic, shunning the ones who don't meet these expectations. While the world at large might have a lot of variety, it is clear that some of the people in power of large political entities are trying to force every human being to become adapted to that standard, disregarding physical or mental divergence from it, including the concept of identity and capacity to perform work. These last two are important to remember, since they will be primary components of this discussion.

Under the society a lot of us live in, the following are expectations of all people to some degree:

  • People must be autonomous.
  • People must be able to perform work consistently and on demand.
  • People must be capable of handling life regardless of what is presented to them.
  • People must conform to the standard one way or another.
  • People must not question the nature of their existence.

The more one looks at these parameters, the more one can come to realize that a lot of them are not very conductive to mental wellbeing. As neurodivergent people all around the world can attest to, a lot of mundane tasks can be Sisyphean in scale depending on one's mental health, and queer people can easily tell you that the only way to be truly oneself is to question things that fall outside the standard.

These points have slowly developed an idea regarding personhood itself to an interesting conclusion via rejection of these points: what is known as empty spaces. In short, this is a question as to what makes a person, a person... and what is it like to not be a person, and in which scenarios that can be desirable.

Be warned if you skipped the previous stopping point: The concepts within Empty Spaces can deal with trauma and triggering concepts quite often.

It is hard to define the empty spaces community. On some areas, it is short form fiction, in others it is a conduit to reflecting upon oneself, to some it's an escape, to some it's a way to relieve stress and fear, and to some others it's empowering. Within the communities that sprout from the concept, some concepts can quickly become familiar to the observer.

Within the idea of the empty spaces, a person is not the only sort of entity there can be. While the fiction writers refer to the ideas presented as magic and unrealityu (as is to be expected), these can be active conduits to the self expression of several people. For an easy to explain example, we have one of the primary driving ideas of empty spaces: Dolls.

Dolls can be made of several materials and be several sizes, similar to dolls in the world many percieve, but in this context, they can be once human entities separated from instinctual thought, achieving what is known as Stillness in the concept: the absence of thought and a state of bliss. A doll is not really a person in that regard, and would rather not be referred to as one, with many having a preference for "it/its" pronouns. Some of the fiction you may find might describe this as negative, but there is also plenty of writings that depict this as a relief from th stress and anxiety brought to many by the previously mentioned expectations and responsibilites of personhood. Additionally, a Doll has a Purpose dictated to them by a Witch, that being the title for someone who oversees a Doll. This is in parallel to the "life purpose" many seek throughout their lives.

This all to say... at least one of us has found quite a kinship with the concept.

Cherry Doll

Current typer: Sakura

(If you don't know who this is, check About before proceeding, otherwise some of this may be nonsensical.)

This one and its headmates are... very familiar with trauma. While its parents always tried their best, there were moments where they were not as nurturing as anyone, them or these ones, would have hoped. Some self inflicted, some by others, the system's autonomy has blown up in our faces more than would be ideal.

This one was originally just the artist of the group, but it was clear it was not happy with the role, though it was suited for it. Ironically enough, it felt like an emptiness of Purpose.

However, the event that brought us to rediscover our plurality alkso connected us with the concept of the empty spaces, and so, one day not so long ago, this one started investigating the concept. Similarly to Talia's discovery of our gender, this one was quick to find out a few things:

  1. It greatly prefers a lot of doll concepts to the concepts of "normality".
  2. It/its pronouns feel euphoric to it.
  3. Stillness is something it has been seeking for a good while.
  4. To not be a person... it's oddly comforting.

This one was quick to embrace the concept and start identifying as a Doll, and it has been a relief to do so after the trials these ones have been made to face. While some of the results would go on to help these ones shape their identities and collective ideas, it was clear things were seen that were not meant to be seen. Between an alarmingly early discovery of sexuality (fortunately in a safe environment, but with a mindset that expected rejection and disgust), family drama that almost broke it apart and the crushing feeling of expectations these ones were not able to match for reasons that were unknown to them, we had and still have quite an amount of things to process.

Within all that, this release from personhood as a standarized concept has been a great way of releasing and coming to terms with traumatic events, knowing that despite being hurt, it still deserves love. And thanks to this progress, these ones have been able to become not only more open and socially developed, but even more productive and attentive, which is ironic in a way. This comes to show some things, it thinks.

  1. Entities thrive the most when they can develop in an environment that nurtures them.
  2. Entities need not stay compliant to those that would seek to alter their self for their needs.
  3. Entities are allowed to be different to others and find their own Purpose.
  4. Not all entities are capable of several tasks, but that does not mean they don't deserve respect.

This one does not really have a good way to close out this blog post, but it hopes the readers can find some knowledge or peace within the words these ones have published.